Dyers' Straights: Solving the cat poo thief mystery!
In Dyers' Straights, Danny and Dani will help to solve YOUR problems, however bonkers they may seem.
This week, they delve into a bizarre situation involving a neighbour and cat poo theft.
Follow the podcast on @dyerspod on Instagram and TikTok, and get in touch at dyers@global.com.
Transcript
This is a Global Player original podcast.
Danny Dyer:Hello and welcome to the first of our exclusive bonus episodes of Live and Let Dyers with me, Danny Dyer.
Speaker B:And me, Danny Dyer.
Danny Dyer:Now, in this bit of the series, we're going to call it Dire Straight.
Danny Dyer:I mean, it's another play on words.
Danny Dyer:You know, we're clever and you know we're going to be answering your problems.
Danny Dyer:Okay?
Danny Dyer:If you've got a dilemma at home, work or anywhere, really, if there's something that's on your nut, we're here to help you.
Danny Dyer:So we need you to get in touch.
Danny Dyer:You just need to email us on Dyerslobal.com Right, dad, this one is.
Danny Dyer:What is it?
Danny Dyer:What is this?
Speaker B:This is from Sophie from Manchester.
Danny Dyer:Okay.
Speaker B:Right, let's go.
Speaker B:I think my neighbor is stealing the cat poo from our garden.
Danny Dyer:What?
Speaker B:I know this sounds bizarre and some people might think he's doing us a favour, but the only conversations I've ever had of my middle aged neighbor are about him finding our cat poos in his front garden and how much he hates it.
Danny Dyer:What?
Speaker B:Our cat Smokey is a house cat.
Speaker B:So usually I can expect to find plenty of her droppings in and around the garden on a weekly basis.
Speaker B:But the last few times I've got to inspect, there's been absolutely nothing.
Speaker B:It went on for so long that I got suspicious.
Speaker B:One night I took some poo from an indoor litter tray.
Speaker B:Disgusting, I know.
Speaker B:And planted it in the garden.
Danny Dyer:Right.
Speaker B:I kept Smokey inside and waited.
Speaker B:In the morning, lo and behold, the poo was missing.
Speaker B:All of it.
Speaker B:Our garden is surrounded by other gardens, so I know it isn't a fox eating it.
Speaker B:And I've never seen another cat in our garden.
Speaker B:My husband thinks it's ridiculous, but weeks back, before missing poo gate, I caught the neighbour in our garden.
Speaker B:He was quite flustered, but explained some of his pegs had blown off his washing line into our garden and he was retrieving them.
Speaker B:Should I get a camera or am I being dramatic?
Speaker B:My mind has been going wild with theories of what he could be doing with Smokey's cat poo.
Danny Dyer:I don't know where to start it.
Danny Dyer:I don't think.
Speaker B:Why would he be young?
Danny Dyer:Sophie, I.
Danny Dyer:I think you need to ring the police.
Speaker B:That is, I planted it in the garden.
Speaker B:Well, why would he want cat po.
Danny Dyer:Well, this is what I'm thinking.
Danny Dyer:I mean, I think it's the peg thing that's wound me up, that his lie that the pegs had blown off of his.
Danny Dyer:I mean, are you into Pegs.
Danny Dyer:You like a peg.
Speaker B:Mine's a little peg.
Danny Dyer:That's a throwback of peg.
Speaker B:Yeah, a little peg and a washing line.
Danny Dyer:Yeah.
Danny Dyer:Like, you know the idea that he thought that they would buy, that Sophie would believe.
Speaker B:Damn.
Speaker B:Why is he in that?
Speaker B:Bit annoying.
Speaker B:If someone's in my garden without even, like, that's breaking entry, I'm just thinking.
Danny Dyer:You know, can you smoke shit?
Speaker B:I don't know.
Danny Dyer:Why, you know, what is it about?
Speaker B:Why would you.
Danny Dyer:The other thing is, I've never heard of cats that have a shite in the garden.
Speaker B:I thought it was always on them litter trays.
Danny Dyer:Because the thing for me.
Danny Dyer:Yeah, now I like the idea of having a cat.
Danny Dyer:No, because they kill mice.
Danny Dyer:And as you know, you've had some.
Speaker B:Mice in your mouth.
Danny Dyer:I've killed a lot of mice in my life.
Speaker B:You ain't had one in a while.
Danny Dyer:Because I've renovated the house, haven't I?
Danny Dyer:But we had a real thing with mice.
Speaker B:Oh, no, you did.
Danny Dyer:And they were taking a piss out of me.
Danny Dyer:Now, I'm not one of those that believes in.
Danny Dyer:You know, you can get these traps and you can catch the mouse and then you're meant to, and it stays in this box.
Danny Dyer:And then you drop it off two miles away from your house, which I think in a way it's sort of crueler because you're putting a mouse in an area it doesn't know and there'll be other mice.
Danny Dyer:What the fuck's this mouse doing?
Danny Dyer:Would you want some all that, guy?
Danny Dyer:So it's best, I'm afraid.
Danny Dyer:And, you know, if there are vegans listening to this, I doubt there are.
Danny Dyer:Or, you know, people that love animals, and I do love animals, the best thing to do is to break their neck.
Danny Dyer:And I remember there was a big mouse.
Danny Dyer:He must have been the daddy mouse.
Danny Dyer:And it was when I got Debbie the dog, and she was a pup, so I was sleeping downstairs because she kept whining and then she was shitting everywhere and everything like that.
Danny Dyer:And we had a wood burner, didn't we?
Danny Dyer:And so the mice would come in through the wood burner free willy, nilly, just come in.
Danny Dyer:And you'd see them come.
Danny Dyer:Sometimes they come in pairs.
Danny Dyer:So basically I'd buy these mousetraps and I would slip it underneath the wood burner, right?
Danny Dyer:I thought, okay, you little twats, when you jump down.
Danny Dyer:Yeah.
Danny Dyer:And anyway, so two jumped down.
Danny Dyer:I was sort of dozing on the city and I saw this big fucking mouse.
Danny Dyer:The trap went off.
Danny Dyer:That was always the Other thing, when you hear the trap, you know you, oh, wow, we've got one.
Danny Dyer:Anyway, this mouse was such a butch one.
Danny Dyer:It ran around with it on its head, shaking it, trying to shake it off.
Danny Dyer:And I watched this mouse fighting this.
Danny Dyer:I thought, for sake, please kill it.
Danny Dyer:Cuz I don't know what to do with a wounded mouse.
Speaker B:Was it running?
Danny Dyer:Yeah, it was running around with it on his head.
Danny Dyer:The other one died straight away.
Speaker B:Was it that big?
Danny Dyer:But listen, you got to think about this as well.
Danny Dyer:They die happy because they're eating peanut butter.
Speaker B:You know, they don't like chicken.
Danny Dyer:The thing is, when you.
Danny Dyer:When you sing, it's not nice.
Danny Dyer:I know, but I can't have a man in my house.
Danny Dyer:Can't have it.
Danny Dyer:So anyway, when they die, they sort of.
Danny Dyer:They're smiling because they're eating peanut butter.
Danny Dyer:Then, boom, they're gone.
Speaker B:Are they dead straight away?
Danny Dyer:Yes, other than this.
Danny Dyer:So I watched for about two minutes while it was trying to sort of shake it off.
Speaker B:It's not awful.
Speaker B:I know.
Danny Dyer:And Debs was sitting there as a pup, looking at me.
Danny Dyer:I was looking at Debs, Deb's looking at the mouse.
Danny Dyer:We're both looking at it, and it finally died.
Danny Dyer:And I thought, oh, my God, this is fucking horrendous, this.
Danny Dyer:You know, I need to do something about this.
Danny Dyer:And what I would do is, because obviously we're living in, you know, Epping, where the foxes are.
Danny Dyer:And we shouldn't moan too much about foxes because we've moved into their manor.
Danny Dyer:So, you know, they.
Danny Dyer:They eat nappies out of bins.
Danny Dyer:But I thought what I would do is, I'll.
Danny Dyer:Is I'll get the mice.
Danny Dyer:I'll put them in a carrier bag because I couldn't pick them up.
Speaker B:No, no, no, no.
Danny Dyer:And then I'll go to my garden and I'll.
Danny Dyer:And I'll just empty them into the dead mice.
Danny Dyer:So the fox is gonna have a little munch.
Danny Dyer:So actually I'm killing one.
Danny Dyer:I'm killing things, but then I'm feeding others.
Speaker B:The foxes eat mice?
Danny Dyer:Yeah, they fucking.
Danny Dyer:Anyway, like I said, you can see foxes running around with nappies.
Speaker B:I don't know.
Speaker B:I don't like foxes.
Speaker B:I've heard some horror stories about foxes.
Speaker B:Like climbing through windows and hurting babies.
Danny Dyer:No, that's all bollocks, mate.
Danny Dyer:They're never gonna do that.
Danny Dyer:There might be one case of that.
Danny Dyer:You know, they're just going about their day.
Danny Dyer:You know what I mean?
Danny Dyer:The foxes were here long before.
Speaker B:Fox is really scared.
Danny Dyer:Before, you know, we Fucking moved from East London because we've earned a few quid, you know what I mean?
Speaker B:Much status.
Danny Dyer:I digress.
Danny Dyer:Cats are an odd thing because they do have a.
Danny Dyer:In your house, on a train, I.
Speaker B:Think you're either a cat person or a dog person, aren't you?
Danny Dyer:I mean, you can be both.
Danny Dyer:I mean, my fantasies of a dog and a cat that are best mates.
Danny Dyer:Yeah, Like a Disney film.
Speaker B:Yeah, I know.
Danny Dyer:And they hang out together and they play and I mean, it's never going to fucking.
Speaker B:Because what would happen now if you brought a cat into the house with Debbie?
Danny Dyer:I'm intrigued.
Danny Dyer:I'd like to know.
Danny Dyer:Debbie's a very placid girl.
Speaker B:But do cat and dogs get on?
Speaker B:Is that a myth?
Speaker B:That they hate each other?
Danny Dyer:Well, I think if you bring them up together, maybe not, but.
Danny Dyer:No, of course they don't get on, do they?
Speaker B:Crazy that cats and dogs don't get on.
Danny Dyer:No, that's right.
Danny Dyer:And cats and mice don't get on.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah.
Danny Dyer:You're never going to see.
Danny Dyer:Well, there's something in that.
Danny Dyer:And.
Danny Dyer:Oh, I'd like to see a little cat and mouse hanging out.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:What is that?
Speaker B:Tom and Jerry?
Danny Dyer:Well, they hated each other, didn't they?
Speaker B:Oh, they did hate each other.
Speaker B:Although Tom, that could never get Jerry.
Speaker B:Who was the cat?
Danny Dyer:Tom.
Speaker B:Tom.
Speaker B:Yeah, Tom could never get Jerry, could he?
Danny Dyer:Funny story.
Danny Dyer:My dad used to drink in his bozook, called the Prince of Wales.
Danny Dyer:It's gone now.
Danny Dyer:And there was a mouse.
Danny Dyer:There was a hole.
Danny Dyer:Basically.
Danny Dyer:The mouse kept running in the pub.
Danny Dyer:Anyway, they made a nice hole for it, like Jerry's hole.
Speaker B:Stop.
Danny Dyer:A little door in there.
Danny Dyer:And then they put Jerry the mouse above it.
Danny Dyer:I love going in there and seeing if the mouse would pop his little nut out.
Speaker B:That's so clever.
Danny Dyer:But I, I, I fear for you, Sophie, because I don't quite know what to say.
Speaker B:I just feel like I would get.
Speaker B:I think, I think I'd want to get a camera.
Speaker B:I'm sorry, because you'd need video evidence.
Speaker B:Yes, because you can't start accusing someone of doing that.
Speaker B:And then it could definitely not be true.
Speaker B:But if I thought someone was coming in my garden, you know, what is it?
Speaker B:Trespassing?
Danny Dyer:Yeah, of course it is.
Speaker B:There is no way I would have to set up a camera because again, you can't start accusing unless you've got the.
Danny Dyer:Yeah.
Danny Dyer:So this is an odd one, Sophie.
Speaker B:I've always been very fortunate of my night.
Speaker B:Like I had a dodgy neighbor, but you can get some crazy that's another.
Danny Dyer:Thing what you don't think about.
Danny Dyer:You know, you buy a house, you know how important it is because you can't vet your neighbors.
Speaker B:Of course you can't.
Danny Dyer:And it's so important who you.
Danny Dyer:Who you're living, who you living next to.
Danny Dyer:You know, are they a twat?
Danny Dyer:Are they going to hate you?
Danny Dyer:Because I think, I think it's so.
Danny Dyer:It's so important to get a good neighbor.
Speaker B:I think some people can even be really cursed with it.
Speaker B:Like Liv, who does my makeup sometimes.
Speaker B:She used to.
Speaker B:Literally every place she's moved in, she's had terrible neighbours.
Speaker B:Terrible, terrible, terrible neighbors.
Danny Dyer:Bad luck.
Speaker B:And that is just bad luck.
Speaker B:Touch wood.
Speaker B:We've been all right.
Speaker B:Maybe I've.
Speaker B:You've passed it down to me.
Speaker B:We've been very fortunate also.
Danny Dyer:You've earned enough.
Danny Dyer:Well, I've earned enough money now to have just a gaffe on its own.
Danny Dyer:It's a detached house.
Danny Dyer:I don't want to live next to anybody.
Danny Dyer:And so I've got myself in a situation where I don't fucking have to.
Danny Dyer:I have got neighbors, I love them, Mark and Jenny that live next door, who are peasants like myself that have done well for themselves, you know, like that.
Danny Dyer:They don't come from money like me.
Danny Dyer:So, you know, all peasants living together in nice big houses on a lovely street.
Danny Dyer:So, yeah, I would, I would, I.
Speaker B:Would set up a camera.
Danny Dyer:Yeah.
Danny Dyer:But I would also probably ring old Bill over this.
Speaker B:No, I don't think you can.
Speaker B:Unless.
Speaker B:But I mean, really, the police aren't gonna be able to do much right now.
Speaker B:I think I would get a camera set up a little.
Speaker B:One little Dodge.
Danny Dyer:If there's a geezer in your garden swiping up your cat shield.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Then there's a problem.
Speaker B:There is a problem.
Speaker B:But yeah, I would wait, I'd get a camera and sort of see where to go from there.
Speaker B:Sophie, to be honest, but collection cat.
Speaker B:Wow.
Danny Dyer:And a house cat as well.
Danny Dyer:Actually house cats, I don't think are that str.
Danny Dyer:They're not street w.
Danny Dyer:I like a cat that will off on a three day bender.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah.
Danny Dyer:They'll just fuck off.
Danny Dyer:You go, where's the.
Danny Dyer:Where's the animal that I've bought?
Danny Dyer:Where's the pet?
Danny Dyer:Don't know.
Danny Dyer:I haven't seen it in two days.
Speaker B:Yeah, that's the thing.
Speaker B:Some cats, they just go, don't they?
Danny Dyer:Clever.
Danny Dyer:Because you know what they do is they go and find old ladies and they can tell that they're lonely and so they'll turn up with their patio door, you know, sort of walking up and down like, you know, and then the old lady will go, oh God, I've made a friend and it will start giving it ham.
Danny Dyer:So what it will do is it will pretend it will moonlight as a cat that wants to be the old lady's friend but then come home.
Speaker B:Do you know cat dis.
Speaker B:Cats will disappear when they want to die.
Danny Dyer:Really?
Speaker B:Yeah, cats don't want, like when they want to die, they disappear.
Danny Dyer:Also, I've heard a theory, and I'm not advising this, but if you used to put some English mustard on a cat's ass, it will run till it dies.
Speaker B:What?
Danny Dyer:Yeah.
Speaker B:Who told you that?
Danny Dyer:It's a myth.
Danny Dyer:It's a.
Danny Dyer:It's an old wives.
Danny Dyer:Just keep running until it dies.
Speaker B:Oh, my God.
Danny Dyer:I mean, I wouldn't want to have.
Danny Dyer:I wouldn't want to have English mustard on my ass on my ring piece.
Danny Dyer:I know that.
Danny Dyer:God.
Danny Dyer:Anyway, I think that's a good point to end again, you know, don't try this at home, please.
Danny Dyer:I mean, I don't.
Danny Dyer:I don't want any emails about people that have dabbed English mustard on their askers because it could hurt.
Danny Dyer:Maybe a bit of Dijon.
Speaker B:Yeah, I like a bit of date.
Danny Dyer:A bit of French.
Speaker B:Yeah, a little bit of French.
Speaker B:You know, that's only good in a hot dog.
Danny Dyer:Yeah.
Danny Dyer:Do email in and let us know on your master and ring piece stories.
Danny Dyer:But thank you for listening to this bonus episode.
Danny Dyer:I'm sure you've learned a lot about cats and shite, but we will be back next week with more.
Danny Dyer:Hopefully not as odd, actually.
Danny Dyer:And actually we quite like weird, didn't we?
Speaker B:Yeah, I do.
Danny Dyer:Yeah.
Danny Dyer:You know, email.
Danny Dyer:Plus there'll be another episode of Live and Let Dies on global Player.
Danny Dyer:Please subscribe.
Danny Dyer:Please.
Danny Dyer:We need you to rate and review and of course get in touch at dyers at Global Comal Player original podcast.
